Dharma and Greg

This is *Dharma and *Greg.

The biggest mismatch of the century that has somehow managed to make it for 17 years.  We’re starting a blog together because, let’s face it, I’m still slightly co-dependent, and also, we both have things to write about, but my stuff is all funny and his is all boring.  So maybe more people will read Greg’s posts if they also have some humor to look forward to.  Basically I’m letting him use me to get readers.  It’s cool. His Doctors’ salary allows me to drive through Chik-fil-a for lemonade every day when I’m toting 3 kids all over the country.  I can give him this.

*These are pseudonyms and not our real names.  It’s ok if you are not familiar with these characters from another decade, (as if I wasn’t feeling old enough, THANKS). Here’s us:

*Dharma is artistic, and she thinks with her feelings. Highly interested in nature and beauty in everything and faith and believing and how things feel; she has operated out of her Amygdala for most of her life.  (Like, making decisions literally by going to a place geographically to “ feel it out”  and get the vibe of the place)…  Dharma is a believer in the Mystical, Spiritual, and Intuitive, and is a Songwriter, Singer and former dancer. However, despite the realization that you make zero money with an arts degree, she graduated with a Bachelor of Music degree in Voice Performance before pursuing post graduate coursework in the School(s!) of Psychology, Education, Religion, and even a stint on an online “ministry school” (straight A’s there, suckahas) …before ultimately not attaining a Masters in any of above listed fields because the education loan money was runnin OUT and it was better put to use by the one who could settle on an advanced degree program.  One that could potentially make an actual living – enter *Greg.

Well, he’d earn a living eventually.  After earning an undergrad in Psychology, *Greg pursued his dream of playing professional soccer for 8 years before ultimately deciding to go into medicine. He is the one who generally remains focused and is driven to success and achievement in every single aspect of life (seriously, he even loads the dishwasher to WIN). He’s an ex- professional athlete, and thrives on the rational, proof demanding, list making, take -a -boatload -of -time—to -ponder— and- consider before making a flipping decision already.  He possesses the patience to endure (and CRUSH ) 4 years of med school and 3 of residency… and is now a Doctor, Board certified in Emergency Medicine.

We’re a real- life couple in their 40’s married mostly blissfully for 17 years.  But sometimes, it’s just that in our state, you have to be separated for an entire year to get a legal divorce, and after a night or 2 the whole year sounds like SUCH a long time and complicated with the kids; and who will take them to school; and what about Christmas; and …blech- let’s just go to counseling and stick it out!

If you want up to date genius and practical thoughts on Medicine, read *Greg’s posts.  He studies like a maniac and also regularly attains stellar patient satisfaction scores.

He saves people’s lives after they’ve been in a traumatic motor vehicle accident.

He revives people after a heart attack.

He delivers babies when women don’t even know they’re pregnant.  “ My tummy hurts and I don’t know whyyyy!!? “ (really sister?  REALLY?… I digress)

He stitches people up after they gash their head with a ( insert any imaginable inanimate object you can think of…go crazy…chances are…yep, that too).  This sewing also comes in handy when one of the kids needs a button sewn on their clothing, as long as its ok if it’s done with a suture kit.

He repairs the intestines of gang members who have been stabbed or shot on the street.

He starts the withdrawal process for addicts affected by the current Opiod crisis.

He pulls things out of peoples orifices…all of them,  While somehow abstaining from asking them how said objects got there in the first place.

So, he has funny material too, for SURE. But he’ll never post that because he’s a professional.  He will stick to things that you may find in a Medical Journal. YAWN.

You fellow Doctors that want to learn about Doctory things, like Pneumonthorax and  Pleural Effusion  (these are my favorite doctory words), and how to diagnose them with ultrasound (DO NOT get him STARTED on ultrasound), Greg may post some stuff.

      And if you want to laugh and find joy and motivation, or add meaning to your day…and generally feel tons better about yourself, read Dharma’s posts.  I intentionally write run-on sentences because it’s how I talk, and I’m editing this myself, so I’m changing the rules.  In my personal grammar school, run-ons are a perfectly acceptable way to construct a sentence.  I’ll be tackling how things feel and appear and seem and how relationships and meaningful connection with other humans are EVERYTHING.  And the metaphysical, and kids stuff and mom stuff and ( how I hate) cookin stuff and how if you can laugh…  PLEASE hear this : anything–  Even the things you thought were the most unbearable and unimaginable eventualities…are survivable.

     IF you can keep laughing.  

And as the old Proverb says, “Laughter is the BEST medicine.”  So there! Iwiniwiniwiniwiniwin! My Medicine is superior!  I am the champion!     But I’m not the competitive one.  That’s *Greg, of course.  He’s SO type A …eye roll.

We also have 3 kids, and they may occasionally show up because sometimes they do or say stuff that should be in a sitcom.  Like, for instance screaming the phrase“ I am KING AWESOME!”  out of the open car window.  Because the radio edit of the song “Thrift Store” that we listen to  bleeps out “f*cking awesome.”  And it sounds like.  “ I am King Awesome.”  But who are we kidding, everyone’s kids do.  So we are committing to a year of this blogging and if it works and it helps people laugh at life or learn something useful, that would RULE.

Ok, I’m committing to a year.  *Greg hasn’t actually agreed to this yet.  He doesn’t even know I started this blog.  If I waited for him to get on board I’d probably lose my inspiration and disembark.  So I’ll show this to him when he gets home.  In the meantime, I’m going to keep blogging.

Well, when he get’s home he will actually go straight to sleep, because he’s on night shift right now, so I’ll wait to show him.  On second thought, I’ll show him straight away when he gets home. Then he will be in such a sleep-deprived stupor from telling upper middle class jocks their pinky isn’t broken from that “ super-intense la-crosse workout.” Or breaking some sad news to what the Medical community refer to as a drug-seeker.  It would sound a little like this,  “Im sorry, ma’am, (or sir because narcotics don’t discriminate), another hospital already called to report you were there an hour ago claiming the only thing you’ve really found to be effective on your pain is Dilaudid and you also claim to have an allergy to Ibuprofen.”   After wading the waters of these LEGITIMATE EMERGENCIES for 12 hours, he will take one look at this blog and say, “Looks great, hon, why don’t you go ahead and put in the discharge paperwork.”  Smashing! Ok.  Will do, Doc.

Signing off for today, because all 3 kids are on separate electronic devices.  And I read an article yesterday that states that there is significantly less danger of sadness if kids are using electronics together, not in isolation.  Apparently staring at a screen with others is less likely to cause depression than staring at a screen alone.  Now this is my idea of a GREAT use of scientific research grant money. Keep it up. So I need to go get them to agree on one movie or 3-player video game so they don’t need therapy.  We can’t afford it now because we’re still paying off Med School.

Featured post

MY Sheets are ON STAGE ???!!!

My sheets are on stage !!!?????

Hold. UP. When you asked if you could use the sheets from my bed for your 4th grade production, I agreed. With Theater Department budget cuts an’ all, I’m glad to do my part to support. (With the exception of giving ACTUAL money, of course- we spent all of that on tuition -ahem- and shin guards, because the sports boosters got to me first).

I thought I’d have the chance to check the linen closet and carefully select which sheets you took to school for your friends to WEAR as costumes in front of the entire student body…and some of their parents!

Among other things, we eat ice cream and chips, along with those amazing Trader Joes peppermint honey candies while watching Netflix in our bed- on those sheets!

Now everyone at school will potentially know that I think Oxi Clean is wasted on laundry items that we don’t typically WEAR IN PUBLIC.  We save that for your school uniform shirts so people respect us in the community!

I don’t pay careful attention to laundry that will essentially be hidden from view.  And this certainly is not the 1940’s.  People do not IRON SHEETS anymore. We barely even get the sheets put on the bed.  Sometimes, while the sheets sit clean and dried yet balled up on the couch, we sleep on the mattress pad while covered in the down comforter (because there are days the effort of stretching a fitted sheet over a pillow top mattress is just TOO MUCH exertion).  So honestly, NEED is a very subjective word when it comes to sheets.

This is a real nail biter.  I am literally sitting here waiting for students to walk across the stage WEARING my sheets to ensure that there are not giant stains all over their “costumes.”  We may need to switch schools.


HIP HIP Hurray!!!!

   The doctor becomes the patient. 

      My bionic man is now double down on the hips! Hip one was replaced (technically, resurfaced) 8 years ago, thanks to years of playing goal keeper and landing on it. And since those fancy strikers like to shoot on both sides of the goal, we are at the orthopedic clinic now to even things out. Hip, 2- get ready to be replaced with metal.

     Eat your heart out, Metallica, because this Metal Man is now exponentially more certified to delay our glide through security at the airport. Or maybe Iron Maiden would be more apropos, because he told the nurse when he was coming out of sedation that his Partner was in the waiting room. And since his nickname for me (Jess 😉) sounds an awful lot like Jeff…he implicated himself as homosexual, with a partner named Jeff.

     Which turns out to be a problem after the surgery, when the surgeon goes to the waiting room to find said partner, (Jeff), for an update and Jeff isn’t there. So a bit later a nurse opens the door to the waiting room, clears her throat, and says, (please try to picture this-it makes it so hilarious!),  “Ahem, -Partner, -for -Andrews! (?)”  To which I raised my hand. I don’t know why I did that. 

      I then gathered my belongings (and my brain), and sauntered back to my six-million dollar partner. But when I walked into the post-op recovery room, the nurse looked at me like… “This dude Jeff has great hair.” She then said- “Who are you???”  *Greg answered, “This is my wife, Mrs. Dr. Andrews.” 😳                             This 🍳is your brain on drugs, any questions???? 

   Seriously man, just don’t talk until the Versed wears off.  Just because my degree doesn’t give me letters in front of my name like yours. Plus, the letters I got from my stellar decision to make it official with you, and staying that way for 17 years, is more work than med school and residency, and TRUST ME when I say this.  I should get an honorary doctorate just for “partnering” with you on the SEVEN orthopedic surgeries you’ve had since we’ve been together. Including the ones resulting from trying to do TacFit workouts after knee surgery.  My Doctorate would be called : What the PhD were you thinking? 

      After he so adeptly identified me as his partner the nurse still looked confused, and blurted in a southern drawl, “He IMPLIED he was HOMOSEXSHULL.” Eventually she put it together that I was Jeff, and I also realized that I was “Jeff,” and we all breathed a sigh of relief that we were indeed  in the correct post-op recovery room. And also because I was assured that * Greg didn’t change teams and leave me for some guy named Jeff while I was out purchasing his raised toilet seat.  

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