This is *Dharma and *Greg.
The biggest mismatch of the century that has somehow managed to make it for 17 years. We’re starting a blog together because, let’s face it, I’m still slightly co-dependent, and also, we both have things to write about, but my stuff is all funny and his is all boring. So maybe more people will read Greg’s posts if they also have some humor to look forward to. Basically I’m letting him use me to get readers. It’s cool. His Doctors’ salary allows me to drive through Chik-fil-a for lemonade every day when I’m toting 3 kids all over the country. I can give him this.
*These are pseudonyms and not our real names. It’s ok if you are not familiar with these characters from another decade, (as if I wasn’t feeling old enough, THANKS). Here’s us:
*Dharma is artistic, and she thinks with her feelings. Highly interested in nature and beauty in everything and faith and believing and how things feel; she has operated out of her Amygdala for most of her life. (Like, making decisions literally by going to a place geographically to “ feel it out” and get the vibe of the place)… Dharma is a believer in the Mystical, Spiritual, and Intuitive, and is a Songwriter, Singer and former dancer. However, despite the realization that you make zero money with an arts degree, she graduated with a Bachelor of Music degree in Voice Performance before pursuing post graduate coursework in the School(s!) of Psychology, Education, Religion, and even a stint on an online “ministry school” (straight A’s there, suckahas) …before ultimately not attaining a Masters in any of above listed fields because the education loan money was runnin OUT and it was better put to use by the one who could settle on an advanced degree program. One that could potentially make an actual living – enter *Greg.
Well, he’d earn a living eventually. After earning an undergrad in Psychology, *Greg pursued his dream of playing professional soccer for 8 years before ultimately deciding to go into medicine. He is the one who generally remains focused and is driven to success and achievement in every single aspect of life (seriously, he even loads the dishwasher to WIN). He’s an ex- professional athlete, and thrives on the rational, proof demanding, list making, take -a -boatload -of -time—to -ponder— and- consider before making a flipping decision already. He possesses the patience to endure (and CRUSH ) 4 years of med school and 3 of residency… and is now a Doctor, Board certified in Emergency Medicine.
We’re a real- life couple in their 40’s married mostly blissfully for 17 years. But sometimes, it’s just that in our state, you have to be separated for an entire year to get a legal divorce, and after a night or 2 the whole year sounds like SUCH a long time and complicated with the kids; and who will take them to school; and what about Christmas; and …blech- let’s just go to counseling and stick it out!
If you want up to date genius and practical thoughts on Medicine, read *Greg’s posts. He studies like a maniac and also regularly attains stellar patient satisfaction scores.
He saves people’s lives after they’ve been in a traumatic motor vehicle accident.
He revives people after a heart attack.
He delivers babies when women don’t even know they’re pregnant. “ My tummy hurts and I don’t know whyyyy!!? “ (really sister? REALLY?… I digress)
He stitches people up after they gash their head with a ( insert any imaginable inanimate object you can think of…go crazy…chances are…yep, that too). This sewing also comes in handy when one of the kids needs a button sewn on their clothing, as long as its ok if it’s done with a suture kit.
He repairs the intestines of gang members who have been stabbed or shot on the street.
He starts the withdrawal process for addicts affected by the current Opiod crisis.
He pulls things out of peoples orifices…all of them, While somehow abstaining from asking them how said objects got there in the first place.
So, he has funny material too, for SURE. But he’ll never post that because he’s a professional. He will stick to things that you may find in a Medical Journal. YAWN.
You fellow Doctors that want to learn about Doctory things, like Pneumonthorax and Pleural Effusion (these are my favorite doctory words), and how to diagnose them with ultrasound (DO NOT get him STARTED on ultrasound), Greg may post some stuff.
And if you want to laugh and find joy and motivation, or add meaning to your day…and generally feel tons better about yourself, read Dharma’s posts. I intentionally write run-on sentences because it’s how I talk, and I’m editing this myself, so I’m changing the rules. In my personal grammar school, run-ons are a perfectly acceptable way to construct a sentence. I’ll be tackling how things feel and appear and seem and how relationships and meaningful connection with other humans are EVERYTHING. And the metaphysical, and kids stuff and mom stuff and ( how I hate) cookin stuff and how if you can laugh… PLEASE hear this : anything– Even the things you thought were the most unbearable and unimaginable eventualities…are survivable.
IF you can keep laughing.
And as the old Proverb says, “Laughter is the BEST medicine.” So there! Iwiniwiniwiniwiniwin! My Medicine is superior! I am the champion! But I’m not the competitive one. That’s *Greg, of course. He’s SO type A …eye roll.
We also have 3 kids, and they may occasionally show up because sometimes they do or say stuff that should be in a sitcom. Like, for instance screaming the phrase“ I am KING AWESOME!” out of the open car window. Because the radio edit of the song “Thrift Store” that we listen to bleeps out “f*cking awesome.” And it sounds like. “ I am King Awesome.” But who are we kidding, everyone’s kids do. So we are committing to a year of this blogging and if it works and it helps people laugh at life or learn something useful, that would RULE.
Ok, I’m committing to a year. *Greg hasn’t actually agreed to this yet. He doesn’t even know I started this blog. If I waited for him to get on board I’d probably lose my inspiration and disembark. So I’ll show this to him when he gets home. In the meantime, I’m going to keep blogging.
Well, when he get’s home he will actually go straight to sleep, because he’s on night shift right now, so I’ll wait to show him. On second thought, I’ll show him straight away when he gets home. Then he will be in such a sleep-deprived stupor from telling upper middle class jocks their pinky isn’t broken from that “ super-intense la-crosse workout.” Or breaking some sad news to what the Medical community refer to as a drug-seeker. It would sound a little like this, “Im sorry, ma’am, (or sir because narcotics don’t discriminate), another hospital already called to report you were there an hour ago claiming the only thing you’ve really found to be effective on your pain is Dilaudid and you also claim to have an allergy to Ibuprofen.” After wading the waters of these LEGITIMATE EMERGENCIES for 12 hours, he will take one look at this blog and say, “Looks great, hon, why don’t you go ahead and put in the discharge paperwork.” Smashing! Ok. Will do, Doc.
Signing off for today, because all 3 kids are on separate electronic devices. And I read an article yesterday that states that there is significantly less danger of sadness if kids are using electronics together, not in isolation. Apparently staring at a screen with others is less likely to cause depression than staring at a screen alone. Now this is my idea of a GREAT use of scientific research grant money. Keep it up. So I need to go get them to agree on one movie or 3-player video game so they don’t need therapy. We can’t afford it now because we’re still paying off Med School.